Meet Daynon G

God has a plan for all of us. Whether we see it or not, there is someone who is there and knows what we need. And that person is our Heavenly Father who loves us so much more than we can ever imagine.

These last couple of weeks have been very interesting. I was perusing Tinder (a dating app that I use on occasion) and came across someone who's profile intrigued me. In the profile it said that he was recently divorced and that he had a daughter. So, me being me, tried not to judge him based on that. So I said yes, and lo and behold, he had liked me as well. And that's when things changed. We started talking immediately and I felt quite a connection really fast. We chatted on there for a few days and upgraded to texting. Wednesday December 16, 2015 was the day that we decided that messaging is dumb and texting will be easier. So then it began haha. We texted for  most of the day unless I was at work, but even then it was so slow that I texted anyway. In any case, after a bit of talking, we decided that we wanted to go on a date. And this made me very excited, because out of the quite a few people I've talked to, he is the only one that I've really wanted to meet. So we planned for the Wednesday after Christmas because I was scheduled at Bath and Body Works the Wednesday before. I sent our a message to see if anyone would take my Wednesday shift, but also my Saturday night shift. No one did, until Tuesday morning. I was so excited.
So we went on a date. He picked me up at my house, and he looked a little different than I had imagined and had seen from his Facebook. He met my parents and opened my door for me and everything. Well, if that wasn't enough, he was a perfect gentleman. We decided that we would go to Texas Roadhouse for dinner and then we would go to Provo Beach Resort. So we went to dinner and I learned quite a bit about his family, and learned that it is a little dysfunctional and some of his siblings are trouble children. He is adopted, and he has a sister younger than him. He doesn't know his birth parents and he doesn't care to. But hes got these adorable puppy dog brown eyes that melt me.... I learned that he likes his steak well done, he likes mac and cheese (and is a bit of a mac and cheese snob) and he loves Mtn. Dew, but he also likes Pepsi and Dr. Pepper. We had a nice conversation, and got along decent I thought. So we headed to Provo Beach Resort and ended up getting the Day pass that was $20 for almost unlimited everything,
We did bowling first, and he won by a lot. He's much better than I am, and it definitely didn't help that I was beyond nervous to be on a date. But it was fun in any case. Next we decided to do mini croquet. It was weird and we ended up just hitting the balls through the hoops without rhyme or reason really. But we got to talk, and that is the point. The ropes course was lovely. I learned I'm a little bit of a wimp, but he put up with me and we were on there for a good half hour at least. He'e really cute. Ice cream was next and we went to the mall and got Cold Stone. He is chocolate fan, and got chocolate ice cream with chocolate chips. He didn't even eat it all. But we walked around for a little bit and I REALLY wanted to hold his hand, or have him put his arm around me or something. Because of all the talking we had done beforehand made it felt like I had known him for a lot longer than 10 days. But alas, he didn't really. I mean, he told me I was beautiful and put his arm around me for a few seconds, but it wasn't as much as I wished.
When we got back into the car, it was about 10pm and Daynon said that he needed to get home because he had work in the morning. So we went back to my house and I told him to park in front of my grandma's house so that no one could look out the window and see us in the car - not that we were doing anything wrong, but still. So we talked, and talked, and talked. He told me about his ex wife and what had happened between them (when she left) and I was there to be a listening ear. So, if I like someone, I tend to do this thing where when we're sitting in a car and I put my knee on the console and leave it up to them. He took it! For most of the time we were talking, he had his hand on my knee. I wasn't uncomfortable at all, and I really liked it. So we talked, and watched some videos on YouTube. So we ended up getting closer, and out of pretty much nowhere he KISSED me. It was ... amazing. Now I'm not someone who kisses anyone on a first date, and people don't necessarily want to kiss me - especially on a first date. So the fact that he just gosh darn leaned over and kissed me swept me off my feet (but not literally).
But a slight flashback, we started talking because he challenged me to come up with some words that I would use to describe him after only one date. I chose patient, sweet and cute. Because that's how I saw him. He is so sweet, and when he talks about his daughter Jaylee, I'm a puddle on the floor. And he is a gentleman, and he knows how to treat a girl with respect. And shoot me now, but I am attracted to so much more than his looks, although they are pretty darn good. Like, really, he's no model, but my type of attractive. His brown hair and brown eyes just kill me. Yeah, so no regrets about the date. I had hyped it up so much that I was sure that it was not going to live up to my dreamt up expectations that I had imagined. But it was so much better. I can't even describe how right it felt that I was on a date with him. So there was my night. And he makes me really happy.
A couple days later, mom let me know that dad was planning on making pizza on Sunday night. She said that I should invite Daynon, so I did. He let me know that he was scheduled for a shift that night from 7-11pm at the hospital. He also had Jaylee until 6, and so I had resorted to myself that I wouldn't see him until Wednesday. We were chatting and he let me know that his supervisor had called him to let him know that he didn't need to go into his shift. I literally jumped and squealed I was so excited. I talked to Hannah that day too, and I went up to her mom's house to go and say hi. It made me so happy. So Daynon showed up, and it was perfect. He got along with everyone, and he was talking to everyone like he's been around forever. He even talked to Erick and Kathi and Grandma Carolyn. And on occasion he would rub my back or out his arm around my shoulder like it was nothing. And it all felt right. We went to Sister Green's house to see her Snow Village that her husband has and has had for years. It was so cool. And I felt like a kid again, except this time I had someone with me that I want to share a lot of time with.
When we got back, we opted to watch a movie instead of playing a game with people. Let's be honest, I wanted to test out the cuddling situation. And it was quite fitting. We went together like 2 puzzle pieces. He is just the right complement to me, at least I felt so. And I was perfectly at ease with myself and being with him. We were watching The Italian Job. I know that movie quite well, so I didn't necessarily need to watch it all, and I wasn't paying any attention to the movie... At one point I was looking at his face, and he asked if I was paying attention, and of course I faked that I was haha. And he kissed me, and once again, it was lovely. It just feels right. And I don't know what he feels, but I am totally falling. Falling hard, and it's not just the physical stuff. I learn more about him everyday, and while there is so much more to learn about him, the things I know make sense to me, and he has the qualities in the person that I give my heart to for the long run. So as we were sitting there, just being near each other, he told me to get used to it, because he's going to be around for a while. And that is perfect for me. For myself, I couldn't be happier than I am right now. He brings me so much happiness, and I am perfectly content to have him around and I am totally getting feelings fro him that don't even make sense.
The way he makes me feel is like nothing I've ever felt. I feel valued, and I feel beautiful. I feel like he wants me around, and that he means it. And he is sweet. At this moment, I don't want to get over him. But I can't tell him how I feel because its WAY too soon for this. It is way too soon for me to feel this, because I barely know him and his divorce hasn't been final for very long and he needs time to get used to being with someone else. So I get to see him on Wednesday and I am excited to spend time with him. So I'm going to keep my real feelings for him to myself.
Oh love, why do you do this to me, again? I just got over my last heartbreak, i don't think my heart could take it again.

Falling

Life is full of ups and downs. Just a few months ago I was starting to fall for someone, that's over now, and now I'm falling for someone else. . .  I think.

My last post was about him, but Brendan is making an appearance again. It's so weird how this guy who broke my heart is putting it back together. And I'm bracing myself for it to be broken again. I've realized that I am completely myself when I am around him. I can laugh without thinking about it, I can mess around and be sarcastic.

I am falling in love with the person that he is, not the 16 year old boy that I fell in love with in high school. For a long time I imagined him as the same person that he was when I left for school. But he has been through a lot and has changed SO much that it even surprises me sometimes. His hair is longer than mine is, and he has stopped going to church completely. But for some reason, that isn't enough for me to not like him. When his hair is pulled back into a bun (I wish it would stay like that) I can almost see him as he is, and a lot of the time I think that his hair is a way to kind of hide something. I know that when I am feeling really insecure, I tend to grow out my hair so that I have something to hide behind if need be. But I really do think that it doesn't really suit him, but if he likes it, then I can't do anything about it.
Unfortunately, his parent's aren't stalwart examples of religious people. I'm not even sure if they go to church, so I can kind of see why he never really gained a testimony about the church. The thing that brings me sadness is that I don't know what I could possibly do to help him give the church a chance. I wish that he could have the happiness that I do as I have come to develop my own testimony of the church.
One of the main things that worries me is that he doesn't really have a purpose in his life. He does things because they're convenient, or easy. As soon as things get difficult, he pretty much abandons them. As of now, he plans to go to school - which, for the record I called bullcrap on, and I was in the room with him when he told me - so I guess that's good, he has something to look forward to in the future.

I have so many questions for him that I can't even keep them straight. I missed out on so much of his life, and some of his choices I am very curious about. So I think that I am going to record them here so I'll have somewhere to look when I am serious about finding some answers.
-Why did you stop going to church? What about the gospel don't you like?
-Have you ever really given church a chance? Did you ever try to have a positive attitude toward it?
-Relationships. How far did you go?
-Why did you decide to text me after 2 months of blatantly ignoring me?
-Why in heavens name do you put up with me? You never ask me to hang out, it's always me. If you aren't interested then just say so so I can stop pining after someone who is never going to have any feelings for me. Please, my heart can't take being broken by you again. [I asked him on September 20, 2015]

Love is tough. And it's going to take some tough love to get it into him that he is so much more than he thinks he is, that he has so much potential if only he would give it a chance instead of pushing it, and those who love him, out of his life.

This Guy

I'm starting to have feelings for Brendan again. Oh gosh.

I know that I set myself up for this, but I'm not that worried. A couple days ago, Hailey and I were talking and she was all "you're going to marry him or something" and I brushed it off, but there has to be a reason that I can't just get over him. I was thinking about things yesterday and it made sense that I can't just let him go.

And since I'm definitely starting to have feelings for him, I realized that it never went away. He was always there in the back of my mind, and of course, I wish that he would cut his hair and go back to church, but I have to be patient. I think that through my ... encouraging ... I could start to get some sense put back into him. Another aspect of all of this that made much sense to me is that he hasn't ever made a real effort to believe the gospel is true. He had a jilted idea about church from a young age and never really liked it. So as soon as he could get away with it, he stopped going to church. And it is painful that something that I value so much hasn't even been given a chance by someone that I have feelings for. And I know that if he could just see it, it would make him happier.

So here we are, but we did make progress.

Old Things Happen Again

As I am starting this post, I don't have an adequate title. Because this post is probably just going to be random thoughts that have been going through my mind lately that I want to be able to look back on.

These last couple of weeks have been interesting. A little while back, Brendan texted me, and he apologized for ignoring me for 2 months. I hadn't really thought a whole lot about it, and I didn't have any negative feelings for him at all. I was happy that he had texted me, that's for sure. So a little while went by and we half attempted to hang out, but it never really happened because I didn't have a way to get to his apartment and my apartment isn't really a place to hang out with people alone. So after I bought a car, I had a way to get there. So we planned to hang out, and we did. And it was like old times. I mean, his hair is still too long, and he still doesn't go to church. But he is making steps to making his life better for himself.

I am still worried about him though, and even though I am trying not to be pushy, I wish I could just see him being truly happy. And in my experience the gospel is what makes me happy, and I wish that I could put that into him. Although I can't force anything upon him, I am still willing to be there for him because everyone deserves to have people around them who care about them in them most genuine way.

So we've only hung out a couple of times, but we do text a lot. And when were together, I enjoy just being around him. He does kiss me, and I don't mind it, but really doesn't mean anything to me. I feel kind of bad just leading him on a bit, but I know that he isn't looking for anything from it. And neither am I, I'm just bored and wish that I could feel like someone likes having me around because I feel like no one likes me and I am just a person in these people's lives that they wish would go away. And being around him makes me forget that, at least for a couple of hours. So I'll keep doing it, and I'm not doing anything wrong. My only thing now is that I don't want things to even get close to going too far, so I'm trying to set ground rules for myself.

We'll see where this goes haha.

Mission Decisions

Today is August 9, 2015.

In one month, on September 9, 2015, I am supposed to report to the Provo Missionary Training center to serve a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in the Tennessee Knoxville mission.

Due to a myriad of reasons, this will not be happening at this time. I have made the decision not to go on my mission on September 9, 2015. This has not been an easy decision to make, and I have the same amount of support from those around me about my decision now as I did when I decided to submit my papers.

Thanks for all the support I received over the last 3 months. This is a new chapter of my life, and I am excited to face it with faith. If you have any questions, just let me know.

Support

Over the course of the last couple weeks, I have really learned the value of support from those around you that you care about most. With my mission, I have made a decision. I am planning to put my mission on hold. I'm not going to cancel the call altogether, but not have me leaving in September. I don't know when I'll go, but I am going to give myself time to prepare, really prepare, not just a halfhearted effort anymore. This is huge, I am taking steps that I feel are the right thing for me now. And I do have support this time, I'm not being left on the side of the road anymore.

My Life, My Decision

So this last couple of weeks has been trying. There are things going on, and people are trying to give me advice for things that they can't even begin to understand.

So Jake, we are friends. He isn't interested in me as anything more than a friend, and it is amazing how much better I feel just knowing that and not having to wonder what he's thinking when we hang out. We hang out because we enjoy being around each other and have fun when we hang out. The thing is that he knows how I feel about him, and he still hangs out with me on occasion. And yeah, I still like him, and I think that he's adorable and funny and innocent and just all around great. And it is great to have a friend like that.

When it comes to the decisions that I am making right now, my family thinks they know what is going on in my head and everything that is going on. And it is killing me and making me feel like an idiot.

This whole mission thing is stupid. And it is making me feel like dirt. My parents keep telling me that I am making the wrong decision and am backing out of something that I honestly never wanted to do in the first place. They have NO idea how much thought has gone into my decision to cancel my mission call. They keep telling me that just because I have a call that I have to go, even though it feels completely wrong for me. I can't feel good about it, and I really am trying and am taking steps to be a functional human when I do cancel it.

A Torn Heart

Right now I am at a place where I have met someone. Someone that I could see myself with, and it is FREAKING me out. I've never felt this way about anyone so fast. It hasn't been long, but I already have some major feelings going on.

I know that at one point he had feelings for me too, and my mission was the thing getting in the way of him doing anything in relation to a relationship with me. And I wish he could just forget the mission if he feels like a relationship could come from our friendship.

Here's where my heart is torn. My feelings are scaring me. I'm in pretty deep (and no, we don't kiss when we hang out, its purely friendship). I wrote him a letter recently and he's taking time to sort out what I said and figure out what he thinks. During this my brain doesn't know whether to think one way or the other. So my heart is torn. I am almost tempted to just cal it friendship so that I can make a break before I start to feel more for him. But I feel like trying to pursue this is the right thing to do, and even though it makes me more nervous than anything else, I have a good feeling about it.

My heart is also torn about my mission. When I got my mission call I was so excited to serve the people of Tennessee. It was going to be quite the adventure, and the preparation was going to bring me to a place that I, spiritually, had never been before. Today I went to the temple with a friend, she's pretty darn great, and we were chatting about this very thing. I mentioned that I'm so confused because I felt so strongly that I was supposed to go on a mission. Then 7 days later I met him and it flipped my world upside down... We have a mutual friend that also has a mission call and also has a boyfriend that she is pretty sure will lead to marriage. We were talking about no matter which decision either of us make, we will still be serving the Lord in the capacity that we are able. She mentioned that sometimes we make a leap from a prompting to test our obedience. I am still willing to serve a mission, whether its an 18 month full-time one or the mission of marriage and becoming a mother. And I am confident in this decision, and I can only hope that the right decision feels well with me because I only want to do what the Lord wants me to.

So there's my heart. Torn between having a broken heart or not. And whether to serve the people of Tennessee or not. I wish my heart would decide one and go with it.

Houston, We've Got a Predicament

Hello blog! So, a lot has happened since I wrote last on here. On May 9th I opened my mission call - Tennessee Knoxville Mission. I was (and am) really excited to go on a mission and serve the Lord.  As soon as I opened the call, and it will be awesome.

Here comes the problem. There's this guy. And here's some background: Since I started my mission papers, I knew that I was NOT even kind of opposed to getting married instead of going on a mission. I was almost hoping that I would meet someone and my life would change because they're in it. So a while back, I don't remember the day, these guys came to our apartment and we watched Emperor's New Groove, we were supposed to watch Enchanted but this guy named Cory din't want to watch it. So we changed the movie and I was sitting on our love seat with this guy named Jake. At first I thought it was weird, that I was sitting on a couch with someone I didn't know. So a week later they came over again and Cory was really loud. And I was wanting to talk to Jake but I couldn't really find an opportunity because Cory was talking nearly nonstop. So I decided then that I wanted to hang out with Jake without Cory around so I could get to know him better. So some other time we went to the hot tub and pool and it was really fun. This last week they came over and watched a movie and I was one again on the small couch with Jake, except I actually wanted to be there. A couple days after that, Jake invited me to go over to their house and play video game, and we ended up watching When in Rome back at my apartment - kind of alone. And this was when we first held hands and cuddled--WHAT?!?! I know, and it was really nice and not too awkward. So over the next couple of days, we kept hanging out and cuddled every time. And I was loving it, I'e never been a cuddly kind of girl, but there's just something about him. So Saturday (yesterday) was when everything turned on it's head. I went over and there was another girl there, and it seemed like he was sitting closer to her, so I was kinda bummed. But in the end I won, and we ended up cuddling hardcore, but not inappropriate. During the second movie Ty walked in and saw us on the couch, and I didn't really care. So later, we were on the couch still and we'd gradually gotten our faces closer to each other, and HE KISSED ME. Seriously, and it wasn't very awkward. Of course it was, because first kisses are, but still good. So, yeah, that happened. So today, Sunday, we didn't talk at all at church. Later, we went on a walk, sat and talked for 2 hours and then kissed for a little bit. When I got back, I was bummed because I thought I had ruined something and I wouldn't see him anymore. So after some deliberation, I decided that I needed to tell him that I like him, and that my mission isn't as important as getting into a relationship if it is the right thing to do. So I told him that I like him. And we decided that friends is a good medium because he doesn't want to get into something if it isn't going to go anywhere.

Truth. I really like him. The more I get to know him, the more I like. He is cute, and funny, and he makes me feel like myself, and he is every so slightly awkward. We can just talk and talk for hours, and I feel pretty at ease with him. And it is scary, because I even told my mom about him. Now, don't take this as I want to marry him right now, because that isn't the case. I just think that we could make a relationship work, even if only for a while. I'm in such a pickle... He's really great, and he isn't interested in a relationship right now.

Over the day, I was thinking of little things that make a difference even when they're small. And I thought of my mission papers. If I hadn't put in my papers, I wouldn't have stayed at Glenwood, I would have moved.  So by the fact that I didn't move made it possible that i met him, and I couldn't be very much happier.

I'm content.

Learning about Others

Often, people do things to us that they don't realize. We've all done it, made some choices that affected another person adversely. I saw this today. A girl I know was talking to some friends and they were making decisions among themselves that were making her upset, and it worried me. Made me wonder if a) I do that to people and b) people do that to me but I refuse to let go. That worries me, and I know there are people that my friends think that I should give up one, but I believe that keeping them around is something that I am supposed to be doing.

Today I read a blog post written by a girl that used to be in my ward. She was on my activities committee so I had some interactions with her, but not too much. Then I learned she was in my sociology class and got to know her a little more. So I've been reading her blog posts as she has been posting them, and they all hinted at some dark past that was hard to deal with, and I didn't look further. Today I read her older blog posts. And I was stunned. She has gone through so much. She has struggled with self-esteem and eating disorder and self-harming. She reached a point where she didn't want to live anymore, and did something about it. But her family saved her. She fought, hard. And is to this day fighting.

Hello reality check. My problems could be a heck of a lot worse than they are. The saying is true that in order to understand you have to walk a mile in their shoes, and that is what I did today. These blog posts made me cry. I have so much respect for her and how far she has come. She is an amazing person, and I'm glad that I got to know her before she left for THAILAND!

[Insert Defeated Title Here]

So I am at a turning point. I have started to fill out my mission papers -- SCREAMING! As soon as I started to do them, i realized that I do like someone, and it's someone I didn't plan on liking as anything other than a friend. This is weird, when you see someone as a friend one day and the next you look at them and it's almost like everything has changed. 

And right as I decide that I want to maybe do something with one guy, another one makes himself known and he's really great too. 

Today I was in a funk because the guy that I've admitted to myself that I like isn't interested (believe me, we've talked about it). It's hard because we're such good friends and I tell him pretty much everything, except this. I don't know how to tell him that I like him without ruining our friendship, so bleh. I just don't know what the freak to do anymore.

But it's okay because the Lord knows what he's doing, and I don't. So I'm choosing to trust him, not myself. 

Life is Well

It has been a WHILE since I've posted on here! Whoa.

Life has surely happened since then, and the nutshell version may be a bit rough.

School started in January and I am currently in the Deaf Studies program with an emphasis in Interpreting. Because I have to take 4 prerequisite ASL classes, I had to choose a minor and I chose Religious Studies. And I LOVE it so much. I'm taking ASL, Approaches to Religious Studies, Sociology, American Social Dance and Mormon Theology. It is amazing to me how much my classes all relate to each other, I almost get them confused sometimes. I also love my job, its fun and I'm really starting to get the hang of it.

In terms of life, I asked this guy I liked at the time on a date and he didn't exactly turn me down, but he didn't say yes either. Later I found out that he's dating someone -- and I an genuinely happy for him! That was quite the relief. There's this other guy in my ward that I think is great, and I'd like to go on a date with him but my only worry is that it would be boring, so I haven't done that yet. In terms of dating, I definitely need to do more, so I did last night. I went on a date with my friend and it was really nice. We're super comfortable with each other, so it's always a good time no matter what we are doing.

Lately, I have been very much integrating my schooling into my life. Especially my Mormon Theology class. Today I went to my parent's ward and I went to Young Women's with my sister and my Mom and we talked about the Atonement in Laurels. My experience with it this week was just an increased appreciation for it, and that i am able to know more about it than the average Christian, therefore I am able to use it to its full capacity.

Something that has saved me from quite a bit of hurt and pain is my standards. I was in a situation last night when I had a choice, I could stick to my standards or stray from them. The guy I was with was wanting to push the boundaries, but the way that I am, I bluntly said that I am worthy of my Temple Recommend and I fully intend to keep it that way. This saved me and I'm sure that if i hadn't thought of that I would be in a very awkward situation. And he respected that, and i am so grateful! My temple recommend saved me.

Life is hard, and there are times that seem like you can never win, but pushing through and hoping that you will do as the Lord knows you should life will all work out.