Life is full of ups and downs. Just a few months ago I was starting to fall for someone, that's over now, and now I'm falling for someone else. . . I think.
My last post was about him, but Brendan is making an appearance again. It's so weird how this guy who broke my heart is putting it back together. And I'm bracing myself for it to be broken again. I've realized that I am completely myself when I am around him. I can laugh without thinking about it, I can mess around and be sarcastic.
I am falling in love with the person that he is, not the 16 year old boy that I fell in love with in high school. For a long time I imagined him as the same person that he was when I left for school. But he has been through a lot and has changed SO much that it even surprises me sometimes. His hair is longer than mine is, and he has stopped going to church completely. But for some reason, that isn't enough for me to not like him. When his hair is pulled back into a bun (I wish it would stay like that) I can almost see him as he is, and a lot of the time I think that his hair is a way to kind of hide something. I know that when I am feeling really insecure, I tend to grow out my hair so that I have something to hide behind if need be. But I really do think that it doesn't really suit him, but if he likes it, then I can't do anything about it.
Unfortunately, his parent's aren't stalwart examples of religious people. I'm not even sure if they go to church, so I can kind of see why he never really gained a testimony about the church. The thing that brings me sadness is that I don't know what I could possibly do to help him give the church a chance. I wish that he could have the happiness that I do as I have come to develop my own testimony of the church.
One of the main things that worries me is that he doesn't really have a purpose in his life. He does things because they're convenient, or easy. As soon as things get difficult, he pretty much abandons them. As of now, he plans to go to school - which, for the record I called bullcrap on, and I was in the room with him when he told me - so I guess that's good, he has something to look forward to in the future.
I have so many questions for him that I can't even keep them straight. I missed out on so much of his life, and some of his choices I am very curious about. So I think that I am going to record them here so I'll have somewhere to look when I am serious about finding some answers.
-Why did you stop going to church? What about the gospel don't you like?
-Have you ever really given church a chance? Did you ever try to have a positive attitude toward it?
-Relationships. How far did you go?
-Why did you decide to text me after 2 months of blatantly ignoring me?
-Why in heavens name do you put up with me? You never ask me to hang out, it's always me. If you aren't interested then just say so so I can stop pining after someone who is never going to have any feelings for me. Please, my heart can't take being broken by you again. [I asked him on September 20, 2015]
Love is tough. And it's going to take some tough love to get it into him that he is so much more than he thinks he is, that he has so much potential if only he would give it a chance instead of pushing it, and those who love him, out of his life.
