This last while has really tested what I believe. I have been going through some hard things that I haven't been very good at dealing with.
These past few days have made what I believe very solid. I have some awesome roommates, and I wholeheartedly believe that they have been made my roommates for a reason. They are so strong, even when they are weak. They told me to pray. So I started to pray again.
I prayed that I would be able to come to peace over my breakup, that I could finally be okay with it. I prayed that someone would come into my life to help the healing process. I prayed for the courage to talk to people that I don't know, to be more social. I prayed that I would be able to be myself without fearing what people would think of me. I prayed that I would be strong, that I wouldn't break into a million pieces. I prayed that I would be able to be better.
Many of these things happened.
~I did come to peace over my breakup. I was able to look at him and see him as friend, someone who I know and can be around.
~Some people have been sent into my life (well,one already was, I just hadn't realized it) and he got my mind off the hurt. Another came around and made me realize that I am not outside feeling positively.
~Since living in Provo, I have met so many people, I have gone outside of myself and made friends.
~I am myself. I know that I am a person, that I have worth and value, that I am important.
~I am not strong all the time, but I have people around me that will always be there for me when I need them. I learned that sometimes it is okay to not be okay.
I have learned through this that prayers aren't answered when we want them to be. They are answered when they need to be. Some of these things happened MONTHS after originally asking. But I just had to believe that I was being heard, that eventually I would get the answer that I need.
God sends people into our lives for a reason. Every person that I know, or that I gave me, us ub k=my life for a reason. And I am just now realizing some of them. I cannot express how grateful I am that these dear people have been placed in my life.
I am happy. I am a little confused about some things, but eventually it will figure itself out, I just need to trust that I will be led to do the correct thing. That I will be able to become the person that I am meant to be, the person that my Heavenly Father knows me as. And hopefully I will be able to help others through my experiences.
Monday, September 29, 2014
Monday, September 15, 2014
Communication
Over the weekend I learned something very important. Communication is VITAL in any relationship - no matter what type.
I wrote a post about Nakai a few days ago, and things have vastly changed since then. On Friday night he came over and hung out and it was fun. On Saturday it was a very busy day, and that evening was Stake Conference. Afterward, my roommate said that she was going to go get some caffeine. That was only part of the truth, sure, she did go get a Coke, but the real reason that she left was so that she could go hang out with Nakai. This pissed me off - not the fact that she was hanging out with him, but the fact that she lied to do it.
So I was SO freaking mad at her. When I went to bed, I expected to be woken up at some unholy hour of her coming back. Nope, didn't happen. I woke up at like 4:45 and looked over at her bed and she wasn't there. So I texted her, wondering where she was - out in the hallway. At 5 o'clock in the morning. I was absolutely furious.
So I pretended to be happy and all that but I have pretty perceptive roommates and they caught on. I vented and got some things figured out in myself. Later, there was a fireside and Alyssa came and I decided to ride with her. We talked a little about what had happened, and I was mad again because she said that she knew that it would make me mad and that she regretted lying. So a little later she gets a text from him and asked if she said something to me, and she responded with no, I'm just smart. And this is something that many people don't realize, I see alot and I am relatively good at deduction.
I also received a text from him and I told him not to text me. I had to explain why, which was very painful. I pretty much told him that I like him, and being friends with him isn't going to help that. He also told me straight out that he doesn't like me in a romantic way (which I am fine with, if he hadn't been so confusing about whether or not he liked me). So that got out of the way, and I think that maybe with time we may be friends again, but for now I am going to try and not be around him because my heart still hurts, and I really don't want to deal with that right now.
Now to the important part, which I learned from my roommates with this whole fiasco. I was planning on just not talking to her for a few days, hoping that it would solve itself. That is not the case. Bethany pointed out that doing that wouldn't do any good in the long run, just cause unhappiness. Once we were able to talk about it, and I was able to hear her side of what happened, and she was able to hear mine I realized that I wan't mad at Alyssa. I was mad at Nakai and she just got put in the middle of it (well, she kind of put herself there). So, yes, a very painful but important lesson in communication.
I wrote a post about Nakai a few days ago, and things have vastly changed since then. On Friday night he came over and hung out and it was fun. On Saturday it was a very busy day, and that evening was Stake Conference. Afterward, my roommate said that she was going to go get some caffeine. That was only part of the truth, sure, she did go get a Coke, but the real reason that she left was so that she could go hang out with Nakai. This pissed me off - not the fact that she was hanging out with him, but the fact that she lied to do it.
So I was SO freaking mad at her. When I went to bed, I expected to be woken up at some unholy hour of her coming back. Nope, didn't happen. I woke up at like 4:45 and looked over at her bed and she wasn't there. So I texted her, wondering where she was - out in the hallway. At 5 o'clock in the morning. I was absolutely furious.
So I pretended to be happy and all that but I have pretty perceptive roommates and they caught on. I vented and got some things figured out in myself. Later, there was a fireside and Alyssa came and I decided to ride with her. We talked a little about what had happened, and I was mad again because she said that she knew that it would make me mad and that she regretted lying. So a little later she gets a text from him and asked if she said something to me, and she responded with no, I'm just smart. And this is something that many people don't realize, I see alot and I am relatively good at deduction.
I also received a text from him and I told him not to text me. I had to explain why, which was very painful. I pretty much told him that I like him, and being friends with him isn't going to help that. He also told me straight out that he doesn't like me in a romantic way (which I am fine with, if he hadn't been so confusing about whether or not he liked me). So that got out of the way, and I think that maybe with time we may be friends again, but for now I am going to try and not be around him because my heart still hurts, and I really don't want to deal with that right now.
Now to the important part, which I learned from my roommates with this whole fiasco. I was planning on just not talking to her for a few days, hoping that it would solve itself. That is not the case. Bethany pointed out that doing that wouldn't do any good in the long run, just cause unhappiness. Once we were able to talk about it, and I was able to hear her side of what happened, and she was able to hear mine I realized that I wan't mad at Alyssa. I was mad at Nakai and she just got put in the middle of it (well, she kind of put herself there). So, yes, a very painful but important lesson in communication.
Monday, September 8, 2014
this new season of life
Hey ya'll! So, this last couple months, I have been through quite a bit. I moved, for one. I'm going to school again, with a pretty rigorous schedule to say the least. I have 5 roommates, and we are all vastly different.
They're nice girls, don't get me wrong, but I'm not so sure that I will be able to be kind all the time with them. They're very sharing and I'm not really like that all the time, I want to use my things and I don't want people to use them. But they all insist that sharing is just the best thing to do. They're all SUPER spiritual, and are constantly talking about the church. I love church, and the gospel, but I don't need to have every single conversation about some doctrine. They are all very opinionated and I son't agree with many of their opinions. They say that they aren't judgmental, but in reality they are, and it makes me feel like nothing practically all the time.
So, I don't mind doing dishes, but it seems like I'm the only one who does them. But I can't change anything about them and just have to suck it up and deal with people that I don't really like.
Alyssa on the other hand is great. I love being her roommate and I have no qualms about her.
So there's also this guy - he confuses me. I like him as a friend, and I'm still getting to know him so I don't know if I like him as any more than that. He's really entertaining, and being around him is just really enjoyable. Sometimes he kinda cats like he might like me, then another moment its back to nothing, confusing.
This post is really whiny, but I had to get it out. Sometimes you just have to burst. And this is a lot better than bawling for 2 hours about how frustrating things can be.
They're nice girls, don't get me wrong, but I'm not so sure that I will be able to be kind all the time with them. They're very sharing and I'm not really like that all the time, I want to use my things and I don't want people to use them. But they all insist that sharing is just the best thing to do. They're all SUPER spiritual, and are constantly talking about the church. I love church, and the gospel, but I don't need to have every single conversation about some doctrine. They are all very opinionated and I son't agree with many of their opinions. They say that they aren't judgmental, but in reality they are, and it makes me feel like nothing practically all the time.
So, I don't mind doing dishes, but it seems like I'm the only one who does them. But I can't change anything about them and just have to suck it up and deal with people that I don't really like.
Alyssa on the other hand is great. I love being her roommate and I have no qualms about her.
So there's also this guy - he confuses me. I like him as a friend, and I'm still getting to know him so I don't know if I like him as any more than that. He's really entertaining, and being around him is just really enjoyable. Sometimes he kinda cats like he might like me, then another moment its back to nothing, confusing.
This post is really whiny, but I had to get it out. Sometimes you just have to burst. And this is a lot better than bawling for 2 hours about how frustrating things can be.
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