Sunday, July 26, 2015
Support
Over the course of the last couple weeks, I have really learned the value of support from those around you that you care about most. With my mission, I have made a decision. I am planning to put my mission on hold. I'm not going to cancel the call altogether, but not have me leaving in September. I don't know when I'll go, but I am going to give myself time to prepare, really prepare, not just a halfhearted effort anymore. This is huge, I am taking steps that I feel are the right thing for me now. And I do have support this time, I'm not being left on the side of the road anymore.
My Life, My Decision
So this last couple of weeks has been trying. There are things going on, and people are trying to give me advice for things that they can't even begin to understand.
So Jake, we are friends. He isn't interested in me as anything more than a friend, and it is amazing how much better I feel just knowing that and not having to wonder what he's thinking when we hang out. We hang out because we enjoy being around each other and have fun when we hang out. The thing is that he knows how I feel about him, and he still hangs out with me on occasion. And yeah, I still like him, and I think that he's adorable and funny and innocent and just all around great. And it is great to have a friend like that.
When it comes to the decisions that I am making right now, my family thinks they know what is going on in my head and everything that is going on. And it is killing me and making me feel like an idiot.
This whole mission thing is stupid. And it is making me feel like dirt. My parents keep telling me that I am making the wrong decision and am backing out of something that I honestly never wanted to do in the first place. They have NO idea how much thought has gone into my decision to cancel my mission call. They keep telling me that just because I have a call that I have to go, even though it feels completely wrong for me. I can't feel good about it, and I really am trying and am taking steps to be a functional human when I do cancel it.
So Jake, we are friends. He isn't interested in me as anything more than a friend, and it is amazing how much better I feel just knowing that and not having to wonder what he's thinking when we hang out. We hang out because we enjoy being around each other and have fun when we hang out. The thing is that he knows how I feel about him, and he still hangs out with me on occasion. And yeah, I still like him, and I think that he's adorable and funny and innocent and just all around great. And it is great to have a friend like that.
When it comes to the decisions that I am making right now, my family thinks they know what is going on in my head and everything that is going on. And it is killing me and making me feel like an idiot.
This whole mission thing is stupid. And it is making me feel like dirt. My parents keep telling me that I am making the wrong decision and am backing out of something that I honestly never wanted to do in the first place. They have NO idea how much thought has gone into my decision to cancel my mission call. They keep telling me that just because I have a call that I have to go, even though it feels completely wrong for me. I can't feel good about it, and I really am trying and am taking steps to be a functional human when I do cancel it.
Friday, July 3, 2015
A Torn Heart
Right now I am at a place where I have met someone. Someone that I could see myself with, and it is FREAKING me out. I've never felt this way about anyone so fast. It hasn't been long, but I already have some major feelings going on.
I know that at one point he had feelings for me too, and my mission was the thing getting in the way of him doing anything in relation to a relationship with me. And I wish he could just forget the mission if he feels like a relationship could come from our friendship.
Here's where my heart is torn. My feelings are scaring me. I'm in pretty deep (and no, we don't kiss when we hang out, its purely friendship). I wrote him a letter recently and he's taking time to sort out what I said and figure out what he thinks. During this my brain doesn't know whether to think one way or the other. So my heart is torn. I am almost tempted to just cal it friendship so that I can make a break before I start to feel more for him. But I feel like trying to pursue this is the right thing to do, and even though it makes me more nervous than anything else, I have a good feeling about it.
My heart is also torn about my mission. When I got my mission call I was so excited to serve the people of Tennessee. It was going to be quite the adventure, and the preparation was going to bring me to a place that I, spiritually, had never been before. Today I went to the temple with a friend, she's pretty darn great, and we were chatting about this very thing. I mentioned that I'm so confused because I felt so strongly that I was supposed to go on a mission. Then 7 days later I met him and it flipped my world upside down... We have a mutual friend that also has a mission call and also has a boyfriend that she is pretty sure will lead to marriage. We were talking about no matter which decision either of us make, we will still be serving the Lord in the capacity that we are able. She mentioned that sometimes we make a leap from a prompting to test our obedience. I am still willing to serve a mission, whether its an 18 month full-time one or the mission of marriage and becoming a mother. And I am confident in this decision, and I can only hope that the right decision feels well with me because I only want to do what the Lord wants me to.
So there's my heart. Torn between having a broken heart or not. And whether to serve the people of Tennessee or not. I wish my heart would decide one and go with it.
I know that at one point he had feelings for me too, and my mission was the thing getting in the way of him doing anything in relation to a relationship with me. And I wish he could just forget the mission if he feels like a relationship could come from our friendship.
Here's where my heart is torn. My feelings are scaring me. I'm in pretty deep (and no, we don't kiss when we hang out, its purely friendship). I wrote him a letter recently and he's taking time to sort out what I said and figure out what he thinks. During this my brain doesn't know whether to think one way or the other. So my heart is torn. I am almost tempted to just cal it friendship so that I can make a break before I start to feel more for him. But I feel like trying to pursue this is the right thing to do, and even though it makes me more nervous than anything else, I have a good feeling about it.
My heart is also torn about my mission. When I got my mission call I was so excited to serve the people of Tennessee. It was going to be quite the adventure, and the preparation was going to bring me to a place that I, spiritually, had never been before. Today I went to the temple with a friend, she's pretty darn great, and we were chatting about this very thing. I mentioned that I'm so confused because I felt so strongly that I was supposed to go on a mission. Then 7 days later I met him and it flipped my world upside down... We have a mutual friend that also has a mission call and also has a boyfriend that she is pretty sure will lead to marriage. We were talking about no matter which decision either of us make, we will still be serving the Lord in the capacity that we are able. She mentioned that sometimes we make a leap from a prompting to test our obedience. I am still willing to serve a mission, whether its an 18 month full-time one or the mission of marriage and becoming a mother. And I am confident in this decision, and I can only hope that the right decision feels well with me because I only want to do what the Lord wants me to.
So there's my heart. Torn between having a broken heart or not. And whether to serve the people of Tennessee or not. I wish my heart would decide one and go with it.
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