I'm starting to have feelings for Brendan again. Oh gosh.
I know that I set myself up for this, but I'm not that worried. A couple days ago, Hailey and I were talking and she was all "you're going to marry him or something" and I brushed it off, but there has to be a reason that I can't just get over him. I was thinking about things yesterday and it made sense that I can't just let him go.
And since I'm definitely starting to have feelings for him, I realized that it never went away. He was always there in the back of my mind, and of course, I wish that he would cut his hair and go back to church, but I have to be patient. I think that through my ... encouraging ... I could start to get some sense put back into him. Another aspect of all of this that made much sense to me is that he hasn't ever made a real effort to believe the gospel is true. He had a jilted idea about church from a young age and never really liked it. So as soon as he could get away with it, he stopped going to church. And it is painful that something that I value so much hasn't even been given a chance by someone that I have feelings for. And I know that if he could just see it, it would make him happier.
So here we are, but we did make progress.
Monday, August 24, 2015
Sunday, August 16, 2015
Old Things Happen Again
As I am starting this post, I don't have an adequate title. Because this post is probably just going to be random thoughts that have been going through my mind lately that I want to be able to look back on.
These last couple of weeks have been interesting. A little while back, Brendan texted me, and he apologized for ignoring me for 2 months. I hadn't really thought a whole lot about it, and I didn't have any negative feelings for him at all. I was happy that he had texted me, that's for sure. So a little while went by and we half attempted to hang out, but it never really happened because I didn't have a way to get to his apartment and my apartment isn't really a place to hang out with people alone. So after I bought a car, I had a way to get there. So we planned to hang out, and we did. And it was like old times. I mean, his hair is still too long, and he still doesn't go to church. But he is making steps to making his life better for himself.
I am still worried about him though, and even though I am trying not to be pushy, I wish I could just see him being truly happy. And in my experience the gospel is what makes me happy, and I wish that I could put that into him. Although I can't force anything upon him, I am still willing to be there for him because everyone deserves to have people around them who care about them in them most genuine way.
So we've only hung out a couple of times, but we do text a lot. And when were together, I enjoy just being around him. He does kiss me, and I don't mind it, but really doesn't mean anything to me. I feel kind of bad just leading him on a bit, but I know that he isn't looking for anything from it. And neither am I, I'm just bored and wish that I could feel like someone likes having me around because I feel like no one likes me and I am just a person in these people's lives that they wish would go away. And being around him makes me forget that, at least for a couple of hours. So I'll keep doing it, and I'm not doing anything wrong. My only thing now is that I don't want things to even get close to going too far, so I'm trying to set ground rules for myself.
We'll see where this goes haha.
These last couple of weeks have been interesting. A little while back, Brendan texted me, and he apologized for ignoring me for 2 months. I hadn't really thought a whole lot about it, and I didn't have any negative feelings for him at all. I was happy that he had texted me, that's for sure. So a little while went by and we half attempted to hang out, but it never really happened because I didn't have a way to get to his apartment and my apartment isn't really a place to hang out with people alone. So after I bought a car, I had a way to get there. So we planned to hang out, and we did. And it was like old times. I mean, his hair is still too long, and he still doesn't go to church. But he is making steps to making his life better for himself.
I am still worried about him though, and even though I am trying not to be pushy, I wish I could just see him being truly happy. And in my experience the gospel is what makes me happy, and I wish that I could put that into him. Although I can't force anything upon him, I am still willing to be there for him because everyone deserves to have people around them who care about them in them most genuine way.
So we've only hung out a couple of times, but we do text a lot. And when were together, I enjoy just being around him. He does kiss me, and I don't mind it, but really doesn't mean anything to me. I feel kind of bad just leading him on a bit, but I know that he isn't looking for anything from it. And neither am I, I'm just bored and wish that I could feel like someone likes having me around because I feel like no one likes me and I am just a person in these people's lives that they wish would go away. And being around him makes me forget that, at least for a couple of hours. So I'll keep doing it, and I'm not doing anything wrong. My only thing now is that I don't want things to even get close to going too far, so I'm trying to set ground rules for myself.
We'll see where this goes haha.
Sunday, August 9, 2015
Mission Decisions
Today is August 9, 2015.
In one month, on September 9, 2015, I am supposed to report to the Provo Missionary Training center to serve a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in the Tennessee Knoxville mission.
Due to a myriad of reasons, this will not be happening at this time. I have made the decision not to go on my mission on September 9, 2015. This has not been an easy decision to make, and I have the same amount of support from those around me about my decision now as I did when I decided to submit my papers.
Thanks for all the support I received over the last 3 months. This is a new chapter of my life, and I am excited to face it with faith. If you have any questions, just let me know.
In one month, on September 9, 2015, I am supposed to report to the Provo Missionary Training center to serve a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in the Tennessee Knoxville mission.
Due to a myriad of reasons, this will not be happening at this time. I have made the decision not to go on my mission on September 9, 2015. This has not been an easy decision to make, and I have the same amount of support from those around me about my decision now as I did when I decided to submit my papers.
Thanks for all the support I received over the last 3 months. This is a new chapter of my life, and I am excited to face it with faith. If you have any questions, just let me know.
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