Old Things

Some days you just feel down. Like life is going in circles and it is never going to change. And that you'll never be good enough, pretty enough, funny enough, smart enough, outgoing enough. And this is hard. So much harder that I ever thought possible. 

I have a secret, I still love someone. And it hurts, and I don't know why and I have tried to move on and get over him but it fails. Sure, I have liked other people but I feel like there will never be anyone who will ever reciprocate those feelings for me. Guys seem great and there are moments when i think that they may be interested in me, but then all at once I find out that they are very interested in someone else. It is always someone else. I'm tired of getting hurt. The only reason that I wont give up and I will endure all of the pain is that I KNOW that there is someone out there who will love me as I love them. And for that reason I will keep trying. 

It doesn't matter that I keep getting kicked to the dirt, that only means that I have to get up. That I haven't found the one that will care enough to put time, effort and energy into me and our relationship. And the opposite is true, that I haven't found the one that really appreciates my efforts as well. 

This is also a sign that I am not the person that I am meant to become to complement them in a way that The Lord knows I can.

All of this is a struggle. Getting my heart broken time and time again is hard and tiring ans hurts, but things aren't good until the end, so if it isn't good it's not the end. 

Faith is one thing that will get me through this hard time. It will help to keep me strong and help me to have the energy and stamina that it takes to get to that end -- to get to the person who is loved, who is ready to love. 

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Even though I can't see it yet, I know that it is there, somewhere. 

I am someone with many insecurities. They are probably irrational, but still they remain. Some are able to be resolved and others not so much. 

     *My weight. I know I am not fat, nor in shape. I never really have been. I don't enjoy any type of exercise and therefore have an impossible task of actually working out. I haven't found this energy since my weights class in high school. This is something that I plan to work on/change in the coming year -- but one thing is certain, I am not doing this for anyone else. I am doing it so I can feel better about myself. I want to be more confident. 

     *My personality. I know that I am not the most outgoing. I don't get along too well with new people. I feel like I can't connect with people, that I am too different. One thing that I want to implement in my life is to TRY NEW THINGS and NOT SAY NO. I want to experience life, to find things that I can relate to people about. 

All of this is essentially word vomit. Nobody cares to read this about me, and quite frankly I am only doing this to face my issues. Writing things down is something that I am working on, because not writing things causes forgetfulness and that is something that I need to work on.

I am not perfect, I never claimed to be, and I never claim that I will be. There are so many things that I do wrong, that I can't do. But I can try: try to be better, stronger, kinder, healthier.

I hope to post later about the New Years Resolutions that I am going to be setting for myself, until then, I am formulating them and enjoying my break until heck starts again in January. 

Service

I have learned quite a bit about service these last few days.

On Sunday I went to church in my parent's ward. I went to Young Women's with my mom and sister. The lesson was on spiritual gifts. When we were talking about them, I thought of my roommate. She always seems to be thinking of others and serving them in ways that aren't a big deal to her, but make a difference to them. I thought to myself that I wanted to develop this gift.

Of course, I have gifts of my own and one that I have been striving to develop is to trust in authority. In the last little while I have been given callings at church that I quite honestly don't think I am fit for. The Compassionate Services Committee and Activities Committee Co-Chair. 2 callings that I feel genuinely scared to complete. But I trust my bishop and the Lord in the way that I will never receive a calling that I won't be able to fulfill.

Today I experienced the spirit of giving for myself. A few days ago we had a family party and my mom brought a bacon present. Calendar, actually bacon, a key chain etc. So when I saw the bacon calendar I thought of a girl I know, Carina, who lives close to me. She loves bacon. We are not close friends or anything, but as soon as I saw the calendar I knew that she would love it. So I was at City Creek with some people and we went into a store with  -- what do you know, calendars -- and I set out to find the bacon calendar. I found it and purchased it. I wasn't the same, but a mini version. Carina wasn't home when I got there, but I slipped it under her door with a note attached. She texted me and told me that she appreciated the thought and that it made her day.
I'm not sure that I've ever felt so great before. It wasn't a big deal to me, and it didn't take a second thought but it made a difference to me and I am very happy.

The spirit of giving is real, and I am so grateful that I got to experience it today.

Progress

Progress is always changing. There are days that are really great, and then there are some that are hard to deal with. Either way, learning is always done, whether it teaches you something to improve or teaching you something that you already knew.

I was talking to a friend, and he mentioned that I may need to change the way that I do some things or think about some things. We talked about listening to the spirit and following its promptings.

Whilst thinking about these things, I pondered all week about something that I should learn more about. And I came up with a 2 part solution of sorts. I have learned about the Atonement in multiple situations, but haven't ever really applied it in my own life. So I decided to study the Atonement this week.

This morning I printed out a General Conference talk about the Atonement. Guess what happened, our lesson in Sunday School was about the Atonement. It amazes me that the Lord knew that that lesson was the one that I needed today. It wasn't the one that was supposed to be taught according to the schedule, but I felt like the teacher was speaking directly to me. This has never happened to me before, the feeling that the teacher was speaking directly to me. It was amazing and I am so happy that I was able to attend.